Choices, Choices - Part 1 (Calvinism)

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Last weekend I was hanging out with some friends and the topic of God's will came up.  We talked about there being two ends of this spectrum in Christian circles, one being Calvinism, where everything is predetermined and even our choices are somehow already following the grander plan God has for us.  The other extreme is that God is not involved at all in our daily lives except to observe; the idea that he has set everything in motion but does not intervene.

I used to find great peace in the idea that everything was as it "should" be, that the choices I was making in prayer were fulfilling a very specific will God had for my life.

But then underneath it all the question always nagged at me: was it really God's will?  I never did have a foolproof way to test if it was God's leading versus my own desire.

I lived this way as I made a last minute decision to attend Oklahoma Christian University.  Three weeks before orientation started was when I applied, knowing that "if it was God's will" I would be accepted and it would all work out.  It worked out, "God's will."

Then I was dead set on doing mission work in New Zealand after graduating, but when those doors closed I thought, "This must be God's will" and jumped through the next open door that took me to Germany.

This pattern continued into how my relationship developed with my now ex-husband.  I prayed fervently that I would "do God's will" and recognize it along the way.  I had the sense that I was being carried along by something much greater than myself and my choices.

And then in the last, most difficult season of my marriage this belief had reached its pinnacle.  I would cry out to God, feeling certain that his will was that I stay committed, and praying that I would submit to that will despite my pain and "sinfulness."

Because that's where this logic had left me.  Believing that God had a perfect will for my life had left me blaming myself when things weren't going well.  It must be my problem that I couldn't somehow follow him well enough to fix things and "be aligned" with his plans for me.

Part 2 of this story to come tomorrow... (the one where I think outside the box)