The Traditions that Bring Us Home

It is so great being at home with family this Christmas.  It has been quite a year of transition and the respite that only comes from being in a place of comfort and familiarity has felt wonderful.

Tonight we gathered with some extended family for a meal I grew up looking forward to every Christmas Eve--we would hardly eat all day in preparation to feast on the traditional Polish meal.  In the tradition of the Roman Catholic church (which my grandmother still belongs to) we eat no meat at this meal, just fish.  A staple for me are the plethora of pierogi, as well as the fuchsia borscht, a beet-based soup that you don't want to spill on your clothes.  Add a little Polish rye bread with butter and a few other dishes for variety and you have a Polish feast on your hands!

...And now we go to bed and do it all again tomorrow...this time in a traditional Canadian way, with turkey, potatoes and all the fixin's.  I anticipate a guitar jam session, lots of games, cookies, presents, stupid jokes and some ducking and covering to get away from the chaos at times.  Gotta love it!!

What Does it Mean to Be Well?

Do you have 18 minutes?  You will not regret spending them here.

If

 If I were a gemstone, I'd be a pearl

 If I were a scent, I'd be subtle floral woodsy

If I were a pair of shoes, I'd be tall, rustic boots

If I were the weather, I'd be 70, dry, and sunny

If I were a facial expression, I'd be an amused smile

If I were a time of day, I'd be early evening

If I were a month, I'd be September

If I were a place, I'd be Florence, Italy

If I were a liquid, I'd be kombucha

If I were a taste, I'd be peanut butter and chocolate

If I were a sea animal, I'd be a sea horse

If I were a food, I'd be butternut squash risotto

If were a color, I'd be warm brown

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a piano

If I were a flower, I'd be peonies

If I were a song, I'd be Chopin's Nocturne (Opus 72)

If I were a planet, I'd be Neptune

If I were an object, I'd be a camera

If I were a fruit, I'd be raspberries

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Sunday

Togetherness

Yesterday I spent the day with some good friends and their kids (which made me miss mine like crazy, gah!).  I think it was some of the best food I've ever eaten, including the pies made from scratch that morning by one of the lovely houseguests.  I am so grateful for having been with these people!

I had a stroke of inspiration that morning and created a base "Give Thanks" scrapbook page and enough cards for each of us to write what we were thankful for.  I combined them into this collage with pictures, which is now featured in my kitchen's 12 x 12 dynamic frame!  So festive.

I'm off to stay productive on this bonus holiday...some of the things on my to do wishlist:

• put up Christmas tree
• edit two photo sessions
• finish looming travel (and etc) paperwork
• drink some delicious coffee
• work on a bonus, personal, for-fun collage
• watch a movie
• vacuum the house

How many hours are in this day again?  Good thing there's still two weekend days ahead!

Blessings to you, friends. xo

just go with it

Josie, at 4 days old

spontaneous baking 

is any day better making 

just like photo taking 

sends boredom in its boots shaking 

an uninspired life forsaking 

is feeling fear and quaking 

running from all faking 

and flaking 

a heart for realness aching 

the children, me so early waking 

hope on the creator's goodness staking 

free from shame and blame breaking 

afraid no more of my mistaking

I started this poem with the first two lines before I started counting syllables and realized I was already one too many on each line for a haiku.  Then I decided I would add a line and just do my own version of a haiku, but as I pulled up a list of "words that rhyme with baking" I couldn't stop!  It was fun. And a bit silly. (which is likely why I like it.)


In other news, I love photographing newborns! The stillness and peace is perfection to me.

Connection

Laughing

Listening

Sharing

Considering

Validating

Understanding

Smiling

Agreeing

Disagreeing

Connecting

Warmth

Comfort

Contentment

Resting

Enjoying

Relaxing

Together

Being

It feels so good to connect.

Choices, Choices - Part 3 (Others Can Say, "No," Too)

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I started out this story believing everything that happened was God's perfect (specific) will and it was my job not to mess that up.

Then yesterday I started changing my mind and working in the idea of freewill and how crucial it is to have a choice and the freedom to say, "no."

The kicker to all this is as I started understanding more about how if I was free to make choices about my life I realized that others had equal amount of ability and responsibility to choose as well.  This mattered to me because I no longer believed that God was influencing my or others' every choice and suddenly personal responsibility became a factor.

It is a huge shift to go from living in a bit of paranoia, trying not to "step outside God's will for my life" to experiencing the blessed, refreshing freedom of there not being a wrong decision.

The way I experience my relationship with God now is like I experience my kids when they have a few toys in front of them to choose from.  Red car or blue truck?  I don't have an opinion of which Connor should choose, I am just fascinated watching him figure it out himself.  I love watching him in his joy or frustration of the experience and will gladly advise him if he comes to me for help.  If not, I watch and smile.

The reason I bring up the idea of allowing others to say no is because sometimes others do.  People who have committed to us may be saying yes with their mouths and no with their actions. By ignoring the pain of that experience it only causes us to run inside ourselves and live in a false reality.  It did for me, anyway.

So as I end this 3-part series on choices, these are the truths I cling to:

• God loves me by allowing me to choose him...or not
• Others are free to be in relationship with me...or not
• Actions speak louder than words and ideals
• One of the greatest things I can teach my children is that they accept responsibility for their choices
• It doesn't help anyone to shield someone from the consequences of their choices

Choices, Choices - Part 2 (Free to Say, "No")

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Yesterday I left off at The Turning Point of my life, where I was failing miserably at maintaining any kind of peace in my marriage and logically deducing that it meant I wasn't somehow aligning myself well enough with God's will for my life.  I believed everything would work itself out when I would start walking in step with the specific plans He had for me.  I knew commitment in marriage was king and I knew I was miserable.

Although at the time I wouldn't have phrased it like that.  I used "christian" words like "struggling, facing trials, being refined."  I boiled it down to my character needing some solid revamping and God was allowing me to go through the pain so I would be better on the other side.

It was such a disheartening place to be.  The God of the universe was giving me a hard core whipping, and I knew he was the epitome of love.  I could quote you chapter and verse from the Bible, so it had to be true.

Little doubts trickled in. I was so ready to make sense of it all that before I knew it my whole world had changed.  Truths like: "Until you are free to say, "no" you can not give a wholehearted, "yes.""

Wait, what was that?

Until you are free to say, "no" you can not give a wholehearted, "yes."

Ideas like "Love is a choice, if not it ceases to exist," and verses like, "Do two go together unless they have agreed to do so?" (Micah)  My view of God unraveled and revealed his true heart of love.  It has always been about a choice and being free to make it, yes or no.

My change of mind had to start with how I saw God.  Only from there did the understanding of how choice operates in love and relationship start to flow through my consciousness with others.  And the fog rolled away from my eyes: marriage commitment is a choice, not a duty.  Being in relationship with each other is a choice, not a duty.  Being in relationship with God is a choice, not a duty.

We are truly free to say, "no" to any of these choices.  We have to be to be able to say, "yes."

And if we are free in this way, others are too.

Part 3 tomorrow...(respecting others' freedom to say no)

Choices, Choices - Part 1 (Calvinism)

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Last weekend I was hanging out with some friends and the topic of God's will came up.  We talked about there being two ends of this spectrum in Christian circles, one being Calvinism, where everything is predetermined and even our choices are somehow already following the grander plan God has for us.  The other extreme is that God is not involved at all in our daily lives except to observe; the idea that he has set everything in motion but does not intervene.

I used to find great peace in the idea that everything was as it "should" be, that the choices I was making in prayer were fulfilling a very specific will God had for my life.

But then underneath it all the question always nagged at me: was it really God's will?  I never did have a foolproof way to test if it was God's leading versus my own desire.

I lived this way as I made a last minute decision to attend Oklahoma Christian University.  Three weeks before orientation started was when I applied, knowing that "if it was God's will" I would be accepted and it would all work out.  It worked out, "God's will."

Then I was dead set on doing mission work in New Zealand after graduating, but when those doors closed I thought, "This must be God's will" and jumped through the next open door that took me to Germany.

This pattern continued into how my relationship developed with my now ex-husband.  I prayed fervently that I would "do God's will" and recognize it along the way.  I had the sense that I was being carried along by something much greater than myself and my choices.

And then in the last, most difficult season of my marriage this belief had reached its pinnacle.  I would cry out to God, feeling certain that his will was that I stay committed, and praying that I would submit to that will despite my pain and "sinfulness."

Because that's where this logic had left me.  Believing that God had a perfect will for my life had left me blaming myself when things weren't going well.  It must be my problem that I couldn't somehow follow him well enough to fix things and "be aligned" with his plans for me.

Part 2 of this story to come tomorrow... (the one where I think outside the box)

How to be Incognito on Facebook

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Let's be honest, you are not good enough friends with everyone in your friends list (slash the acquaintances who don't have their privacy settings locked down) to stop and have a conversation with them much less make small talk if you happened to run into them on the street, are you?

So of course you'd be flipping through their photos, statuses, blog posts, friends comments just to SEE what's going on and not leave any trace of your presence.

I mean, I get it. No judgment here.

Embrace Now

We can't prevent loss and pain.

We can't bank on things working out.

We can't count on people we love never leaving us, either by choice or circumstance.

What then is worth living for?

The One Thing I Now Know About Relationships

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Many people would look at my situation over the last year and wonder if I really have anything worthwhile to contribute to the "what makes a relationship work" discussion.  It's true that I've thrown everything to the wind that I once found undeniable but have discovered one thing that has kept coming resurfacing, being made clearer with each wave of doubt.

I used to think relationships--including friendships--were built on things like common interests, shared opinions and beliefs, similar parenting styles, to name a few.  Communication was important, as was some sort of compatibility--measured in the form of birth order and personality tests.  Shared goals and dreams was nice too.

I'm sure some of those things do make the difference between a deepening relationship versus a casual acquaintance.  But for the sake of this post I want to focus on just one idea that requires none of the aforementioned to pervade:

Mutual respect, which to me fundamentally means giving freedom to the other person to be himself or herself.

As in, I may do things differently than you.  I may hold the opposite opinions to you on everything.  I may not find value in any of the things that you value.

And I love you for it.

Please Note

Hanson

When did Hanson get so cool?  Just saw this video and am lovin their new style and sound.  Or maybe it's not so new?  Well...new to me!  (and that's Weird Al tearing it up on the tambourine. Also awesome.)

Settling In...

Adding some personality

A place for gathering

Your Mom's...Irrelephant

"Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant."


That is all for today.


(thank you, Courtney!)

And Then It All Becomes Clear

I was just re-reading over my post from Monday and have to record how in awe I am of the timing of these last three weeks.  Let me 'splain.  No, there is too much.  Let me sum up.

(It's always a good time to throw in a Princess Bride quote.)

Moving On One Step at a Time

The future looks bright.  Unknown, but full of hope.  I feel peace and envision lots of laughter.

We are gearing up to enter our last big transition in this whole process that has been our life this last year.  We are about to move out of this place we have called home for three years.  We will be splitting up furniture.  Staging and selling the house.  Figuring out the specific timing of it all as we go.

Just like building a tower: one block at a time

Prayers are coveted as we transition.  With just a few boxes packed so far I have been sorely reminded at how much I dislike moving and the 'resettling process' on the other end of it all.

I also have two new jobs I am starting up soon: teaching piano lessons and document processing for a start up company.  Thankfully both are flexible and will allow me to be home with the kids the majority of the time.

Hope springs from knowing that a few months from now we will be well on the other side of this, life having settled into its new rhythm, the warm summer sun will be shining on our faces...

Out With the Old

Dearest Readers,

I am writing today to inform you that in just a few short days this blog will be moving to www.allisonmaass.blogspot.com.  Don't want to lose any of you in the shift!

Yours Truly,
The Person Who Occasionally Writes Her Thoughts Here

Being Ok With Just Me

Love.

In With the 'New-to-Me'

On the evening of Sunday, January 16th my dad and I sat excitedly in front of the computer watching the clock tick down to the end of the eBay auction.  With just seconds left the price shot up another hundred dollars with the last two bids coming in--on the edge of our seats we hoped we had not been defeated!

At stake, a used Nikon DSLR camera body, extra flash and tripod.  I had been doing my research on and off this past year, saving up gift money and waiting for prices to fall into my budget.

My dad is the one who piqued my interest in natural light photography, I look back on childhood photos and am still in awe of the warmth, clarity and depth of field he captured those memories with.

Then in high school I remember being his model, running by as he'd try his hand at panning shots.  I remember those preliminary photography lessons and shooting rolls and rolls of landscape photos, getting them developed and then thinking, "why the heck did I take all these boring pictures of the same thing?"

He graciously let me take his Nikon FE to college with me one semester for a photography class.  We had assignments every week and I would take off around Oklahoma City photographing the most random things.  My favorite shot from that class was of a red Toyota Celica, taken from the front at headlight level.

When I moved to Minnesota I somehow acquired the camera again; I think I shot one roll and it's still sitting somewhere around here undeveloped.  With kids even just running film drop off and pick up errands is yet another thing to add to the "to do list."  Plus, with the continued cost of developing I wasn't motivated.  Digital just makes so much more sense now.

I'm suuuuper rusty at all the photography theory but with the playback function I can literally shoot, look, adjust, shoot, look, adjust until I figure it out.  Maybe at some point I'll actually have time to sit down and flip through the manual, but until that day comes 'shoot, look, adjust' works for me!

(The pictures are the evidence that we were indeed jumping up and down like little kids that Sunday night.  It's my "new-to-me" camera now!)