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I used to think relationships--including friendships--were built on things like common interests, shared opinions and beliefs, similar parenting styles, to name a few. Communication was important, as was some sort of compatibility--measured in the form of birth order and personality tests. Shared goals and dreams was nice too.
I'm sure some of those things do make the difference between a deepening relationship versus a casual acquaintance. But for the sake of this post I want to focus on just one idea that requires none of the aforementioned to pervade:
Mutual respect, which to me fundamentally means giving freedom to the other person to be himself or herself.
As in, I may do things differently than you. I may hold the opposite opinions to you on everything. I may not find value in any of the things that you value.
And I love you for it.
Celebrating each other's individuality, however that looks. Loving the other person because of their quirks and idiosyncrasies, not in spite of them. High fiving them for being 180 degrees your opposite because that's who they are, even though it might drive your egocentric side bonkers.
The fact of the matter is we are all different from one another, even if initially we are drawn together by 1001 similarities. Eventually every relationship hits the fork in the road and it will come down to if I have loved you because you were me...or because you were you.
Actually I think the fork in the road may be better to deal with earlier on, just to be sure your motives are healthy.
So now I say, "Bring on the hippies, the country gals and the Hindus." As long as we have a mutual understanding of loving the other for who he or she is, life can only get richer!
4 comments:
And I love you for it, too!
I think the hardest thing about mutual respect is that it has to go both ways. It's quite dandy if you feel that way, but if your friend doesn't, it won't work...Or at least that's what I've found. [Or at least it won't "work" smoothly.]
P.S. I once had a friend tell me we needed to go to counseling together, and although that's a novel idea, I couldn't see that it was going to "work" out. The relationship was either there...or not there...why force it?
great post Allison!
I really appreciate you pointing out that common interests and the like are not what makes a relationship work. It can be tough not to share a lot of interests, but it's true, to be loved for who you are and respected for it is probably one of the deepest longings in a relationship and what makes it work.
Hi Allison, I have just enter your blogg after long time and just read this comment. It is amazingly beautiful what your wrote and I cannot agree more with these worlds. Andrea.
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