Parenting Well

Today I am thinking about parenting styles. And parenting goals. And how to stay level headed through the amazingly long term process it all turn out to be.

If you were to describe your parenting style, what would it be? I'm familiar with a few specific philosophies--Love and Logic, Attachment Parenting, Growing Kids God's Way--as well as authors like Dr. Spock, Dr. Sears, etc. I don't want to discuss the ins and outs of each style, as everyone has their opinions and some will even fight to the death about why theirs is the "right" way-! I'm just thinking about the day to day process we all go through to parent our kids.

My current challenge is having an increasingly busy and independent two-year-old and then an equally busy eight-month-old. Both developing at their own pace, both with different needs, both with different challenges...and that wears me out. Parenting sure can be tiring at times, can't it?

It's true that at this season in my life I need to devote most of my energy to parenting my children. Nothing else has the long term repercussions this will. I need to be able to free up my schedule so I have enough energy to parent well, whatever that means to me. What does that mean to me?

Parenting well. I suppose I feel well about things when I am having those especially patient days or when Caitlin seems to "get it." When I don't feel so overwhelmed by other things that I can't maintain some structure in our home. For example, with napping. Or mealtimes accompanied by manners. But is that all?


I know some people won't agree with me as I continue on this topic, and that's ok with me. But at least for us, I feel well as a parent when we are being consistent with our expectations of Caitlin's behavior. And I notice she seems to feel well too. She knows her boundaries and feels secure in them.

I so appreciate having come across information while pregnant with Caitlin that guided us as parents to "parent" from the beginning. Not "befriend," not "dictate," but lovingly parent and guide, which is the principle we have stuck to with both our children. We've helped both kids regulate their sleeping and eating schedules and from there have moved into our own "style" of keeping the long term goals in mind in whatever situation we come across. I find so much benefit in this idea!

Here's where we're at with two-year-old Caitlin: she has started wanting to decide what she gets to do each day, kind of her own "activities planner." She'll suggest things to me and often her suggestions are not bad ideas! But what's weird is that I find if I accommodate her ideas and don't throw in any of my own, she starts to think she's the boss. It translates to wanting specific foods for supper and wanting to choose exactly what to wear and wanting to have her hair styled a certain way and even telling me what Connor needs at any given moment! These things in and of themselves aren't that bad, even cute at times, but they add up to one spoiled brat at the end of the day, who, in the end isn't very happy either. When I start "parenting" her again and reigning in her schedule and making some decisions for her, she turns into this sweet, content, "happy as a lark" little girl. Not that there's not some protesting along the way (she still thinks she knows best) but she sure is happiest knowing she's not in control, someone else is.

Isn't that how it is with us and God?

I'm so glad knowing I don't have to control my life...because ultimately I can't anyway! There are so many other factors that interact with me that it's literally impossible to try to get a certain outcome from things. Obviously, there are things I do have responsibility for and as with parenting Caitlin, I want to grant her areas where she has responsibility too, when she is ready. But for goodness sake, she's only two! Should she be deciding what her day looks like? She's not ready for that. Should I give her the responsibility of saying "Please" and "Thank you" on her own without prompting? She's not ready for that. What about deciding how to appropriately dress for the weather? She's not ready for that. My point is, there are obvious things as parents that we understand our kids shouldn't be responsible for just yet, but then in other areas it's all too easy to allow them freedom beyond their capabilities, causing them confusion and anxiety.

I heard something recently that really rings true with me: "If you are constantly correcting [your child], there is too much freedom." Doesn't that make sense? Who wants to have a home characterized by constant correction or as some say, "redirection"? I feel well as a parent when I can say more positive things to Caitlin than negative. But you're thinking, "how? she's only two!" This is where this principle applies. It takes more initial work on my part (and consistency) but creates such a cherished and peaceful atmosphere when effective boundaries are set. She is content and her creativity flourishes. She learns to fore go her wishes (and who doesn't agree that we all have to learn that to function in the real world as adults), respect and submit to someone in charge (anyone ever had a boss? important skill to have), and in turn I feel well about the skills she is learning.

For example, when I accept as a parent that it's my job to teach her to use manners, I am not frustrated when she doesn't say it herself. Instead of becoming irritated, saying, "What do you SAY???" I can instead relax and remind her, "Say, 'More please!'" Instead of running around the house after her when she gets into something that's not ideal to play with, I teach her initially to not touch certain things. I don't give her the responsibility of having to decide what things are safe and what things aren't, I expect her to listen to me and everyone is blessed by that obedience. Some people would call that "limiting" her or "hindering" her development--I call it parenting with the long term goal in mind; parenting well.