Give Yourself a Voice

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
'This is me, damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me… or leave me. Accept me – or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.'

When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad – you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

~ Stacey Charter

Looking Away So It Becomes Clear

I have a knack at spotting satellites in the night sky.  Or so I'd like to think (although my friend Lynnette did tell me that once).

In the 15 minutes I star gazed tonight I picked out three.  It helped that I was in the country where there's not as much peripheral light.  Although the Minnesota humidity does play a role in visibility--growing up in dry Edmonton I reminisce about the pitch black new moon nights peppered with the fantastically bright stars.

A couple of times tonight I thought I spotted a satellite when in fact it was just a star.  The funny thing is, if I would just stare at the star directly, it did look like it was moving.  It wasn't until I changed my focus to include neighboring stars that I could tell that it was actually stationary.

Context!

It got me thinking how life can be this way.  How things look one way until you see them in context, until you change your focus.  Until you glance away for a quick second and peek back with a fresh perspective.

And how by intensely staring at something it (ironically) doesn't necessarily make it more clear.

Fascinating.

100 Things

100 Things (as inspired here and here)

1. I am becoming reacquainted with myself after a few years of distance. 
2. That’s why I thought now would be a good time to write a list like this! 
3. I reserve the right to change my mind about my thoughts and beliefs. 
4. So just know this list might not be accurate for long...
5. I love being creative and think creativity thrives within boundaries. 
6. I move around the living room furniture often and love that the whole vibe of the room can change based on furniture placement. 
7. I was the school-wide women’s table tennis champ my senior year of college. 
8. I haven’t really played since then and am super rusty when I do! 
9. At age six my parents put me in piano lessons and I hated it, especially being nagged to practice. 
10. I stopped taking lessons during high school. 
11. I started loving to play. 
12. I went to a private Christian college and scored a sizeable music scholarship, making financially possible what would have otherwise been impossible--me completing my degree there. 
13. My degree is in Liberal Studies, which is a fancy way to say "in nothing specific." The majority of my hours were in music, but because I wasn’t doing a “music degree” didn’t have to follow the class plan other music students did. 
14. So I avoided boring classes like 'Music History' and replaced them with classes like, 'The Art and History of Rock n Roll.' Aah summer school. 
15. I stayed in Oklahoma for both summers I was a student there, working as a recruiter for the college at summer camps. 
16. Between the heat, humidity, bugs, and camp life I am surprised that I physically survived those months. 
17. Southern culture is vastly different from northern. 
18. I tend to make decisions impulsively. 
19. Both the kids were “surprise” babies. (umm, this is unrelated to #18!)
20. I now know at least part of the reason why pregnancy is nine months—to wrap your head around the idea of a baby! 
21. I think trusting God’s timing is one of the hardest things. 
22. I am a northern girl at heart; I love the outdoors and all four seasons. 
23. I learned more about the English language in studying German than I ever had in English classes. 
24. Four years of German classes barely made a dent in my language ability once moving to Germany. 
25. I wish I could speak German more now so I don’t lose it, especially after all the frustration and embarrassment it took to learn it ‘in play.’ 
26. I absolutely love the old downtowns of European cities and towns, particularly the pedestrian-only areas. 
27. The sheer time that has passed since the buildings and streets were constructed blows my mind! 
28. I also love the walking culture of Europe. 
29. And that because of that you will always see people on the streets. 
30. Which would remind me I wasn’t alone, I was part of this greater society of people. Which helped me keep things in perspective. 
31. Oooh deep. (did I mention yet that I like to think deep?) 
32. How things work and why they are the way they are…two of my favorite questions. 
33. I am a sucker for slapstick and dry humor. 
34. As in, Monty Python and America’s Funniest Home Videos. 
35. My all time favorite movie is Maverick, although the jury is still out if it’ll stay there since Mel Gibson’s recent debacle. (Just don’t know if I can separate his character from him; will decide after I watch it again.) 
36. My favorite kinds of photos of people are posed (positionally) yet candid (expressionally).  Particularly mid-laugh.
37. I try to capture these of my kids regularly. 
38. A part of me is dying to have a DSLR so that I don’t “miss” all the great moments of the kids while they are still so young. 
39. But in the meantime I’ll just mess with the settings on the Sony point and shoot. (and relish in Picnik.) 
40. I am a very visual person and if I close my eyes and pause, I can usually see a picture of what I’m trying to remember or visualize in my head. 
41. So even though I might not remember a detail of something, I could describe where on the page I read it… 
42. I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. 
43. I am interested in tons of things, but nothing is jumping out at me yet. 
44. Just call me a “Jane-of-all-trades.” 
45. But then, a “master of none.” I’m ok with that….right? 
46. Man it’s hard not trying to fit into what culture tells us is “right!” 
47. I love learning and when I’m interested in something will go all out to find out about it. 
48. I’d say I’m very open minded and always ready to consider something new. 
49. One of my greatest joys right now is being a part of the worship band at church. 
50. The combination of community and musical expression is so fulfilling! 
51. I don’t shower every day. 
52. I did when I was a sweaty camp counselor, don’t worry. 
53. A motto of mine might be, “as natural as possible.” 
54. For example, I use a homemade vinegar solution as my all-purpose cleaner around the house. 
55. We get our organic milk raw from a local farmer. Our meat from local organic farmers too. Oh, and eggs and veggies. 
56. I think being a good steward of our planet and resources is a Christian idea. 
57. But as with all things I strive to have a balanced view and lifestyle, even on the organic and natural topic. 
58. Or “being green.” Still forgetting to bring my bags when I go shopping (funny, since there was no other option in Germany). One step at a time. 
59. I am a work in progress and I AM ok with that! 
60. One of the only things I hold as an absolute truth is that God loves me and wants to be in relationship with me. 
61. Everything else could be subjective. Even that sentence is subjective, for Pete’s sake! 
62. Who is Pete, anyway? 
63. I’m sad dancing is not more integrated into our culture. I love to bust a move! 
64. And if I had seen examples of dancing being culturally accepted from a young age I’m sure my moves would be better. 
65. At least the kids like them-! 
66. A “to-do list” can be the death of me. 
67. As soon as something gets written down it becomes avoided at all costs! What is that about. 
68. I like living simply and without much fuss. 
69. I love camping! 
70. And hiking. 
71. Especially in the Canadian Rockies. 
72. Being Canadian does have it’s benefits. 
73. Like immediate approval when traveling abroad. 
74. And a cool flag to sew on your backpack! (I do like the Canadian flag.) 
75. One day I will live someplace with a tall, wooden swing under a tree. And a hammock. 
76. The clear night sky takes my breath away. 
77. I wish we lived in the country so I could see the stars better. One day. 
78. I used to have to have things figured out. Now I’m ok with the questions. 
79. I’m also getting better at being ok with being misunderstood. At one point I was pretty much addicted to needing understanding from everyone. 
80. It is so freeing to not have to look to anyone but yourself and God. And the best part is knowing that God has made me who I am, so the more I figure out who that is, the more I glorify the one who made me this way. 
81. I am all about celebrating individuality! 
82. It has been challenging integrating this idea into parenting though. 
83. A part of me is so relieved knowing that I can’t irreparably damage the kids. Everyone has/will have their own struggles to face, my role is just showing them how to face them. 
84. When I sing, “Revelation Song” I am visualizing what heaven is like. 
85. I think one of the greatest harms we can do to someone is to tell them how to live. 
86. I think one of the greatest blessings we can give to someone is to empower them to be who they are and make their own decisions. 
87. Being honest with yourself is risky. 
88. I am getting better at taking risks. 
89. I have a spirit of adventure, but compared to when I went skydiving, whitewater rafting, rappelling, and riding roller coasters I find it harder be adventurous in relationships, probably because other people are involved. 
90. My favorite meal right now is chicken risotto…mmmmmm 
91. I do like to cook. Another outlet for my creativity. 
92. I also like to eat! Especially food made with good quality ingredients (#55). 
93. I admire people who are comfortable in their own skin. 
94. Watching the kids learn and grow is one of the richest (and funniest) parts of my life. 
95. I used to pride myself on being laid back and an “easy to please” person, but now I’m realizing it was just that I lacked the self awareness to know what my opinion was at any given moment. 
96. It’s so much easier not to have to think about what you think about something and just say, “whatever!” 
97. I am getting better at this too. 
98. I love not feeling guilty about “resting in the Lord.” 
99. I feel good about completing this list! 
100. Now I’m off to shower.