Like Having 3000 Friends

One of my greatest discoveries of late has been paperbackswap.com.  It's a site where you can post books that you have in your library that you're done with and then earn credits to use for books listed (around 4 million in the system!).

All I do from my end is pay the shipping for the books I send, and once the books are received I earn the credits to use to request the books I want (for which the sender pays the shipping).  I think the whole system is set up really well and I will save SOOO much money from here on out!

It's great because I've never been too good at the library system where I only have two weeks to read a book.  Since I've always bought my books used from Amazon I have a good amount that I posted that I'm now done with so my clutter is being reduced too.  Score.

December

This month is

                     joy
                                 laughing with each other
 tears of connection
                      clarity
                                                 silly voices
                                    tickle time
   contentment in all things
                           routine
       fun winter driving
                                                     rest
                delicious meals made with little helpers
                                           enjoyment
    surprises that make eyes widen
                                   creativity that inspires
       a pure feeling of thankfulness
                       festivity
loving each other anyway                                
   spiced cider in a warm mug
              questions without answers
                                           faith in the God who knows them
 paradigm in metamorphosis
pre-heated beds and down filled comforters
                   recording the stories
                               busyness and peace
  saving receipts
        kind neighbors with snowblowers
                   shoveling for hours
flirting for giggles
                                      "ready or not, here I come!"
          waiting till tomorrow for advent candy
   appreciation for darkness that keeps the little ones asleep till 7
                          anticipation
making do in the meantime
                                             missing friends
      taking naps in the fort
                    the beginnings of trust

Mini Advent Surprises

Supplies: various circle punches, Christmas stamps or stickers, colorful cardstock, old magnets, mini muffin tray(s) (24 spots total), small candies, easel or cookbook stand

Step 1: Prepare 24 magnetic-backed decorative circles

Step 2: Gather all small candies and write a few fun notes

Step 3: Fill space with candy

Step 4: Add notes in for an extra surprise on a few days

Step 5: Display on easel and anticipate the joy this fun tradition will bring
(Days 13-24 are on a second tray which, come time, will replace this one.)

Being Popular or Powerful is Not the Problem

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” … [My dark side says,] I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”

-words by author Henri Nouwen

To My Friends

Let us give thanks for a bounty of people.

For generous friends with hearts and smiles as bright as their blossoms;

For feisty friends as tart as apples;

For continuous friends, who, like scallions and cucumbers keep reminding us that we've had them;

For crotchety friends, as sour as rhubarb and as indestructible;

For handsome friends, who are as gorgeous as eggplants and as elegant as a row of corn, and the others, as plain as potatoes and as good for you;

For funny friends, who are as silly as Brussels sprouts and as amusing as Jerusalem artichokes, and serious friends, as complex as cauliflowers and as intricate as onions.

For friends as unpretentious as cabbages, as subtle as summer squash, as persistent as parsley, as delightful as dill, as endless as zucchini, and who, like parsnips, can be counted on to see you through the winter;

For old friends, nodding like sunflowers in the evening-time, and young friends coming on as fast as radishes;

For loving friends, who wind around us like tendrils and hold us, despite our blights, wilts, and witherings;

And finally, for those friends now gone, like gardens past that have been harvested, and who fed us in their times that we might have life thereafter;

For all these we give thanks.

-- Max Coots

Presenting: The Oklahoma Minibook

It feels SOOO good to have this project completed!

Letting Myself Off the Hook

I am realizing more and more that I am a mood-driven task accomplisher.  But I've always felt pressure to be disciplined and more even-keeled when it comes to the daily chores of life.

Insert tension.

Some days I'm great at living "in the moment," not letting the to do list loom over the spontaneousness that is life with two small kids (slash life in general).  Yet other days I just have the "git-er-done" bug in me and I fly through the to do list and even tack on some bonus items.  (Those days I feel pretty superwoman-ish.)

Then there's the days I'm not in the mood to just go with the flow but not bitten by any sort of bug besides the, "barely-keeping-up-with-feeding-and-diapering-the-kids" one.  The days I feel like I've woken up a half hour behind (as if there was a schedule).  The days naptime is a super treat just so I can sit for a few uninterrupted minutes knowing I'm not absent-mindedly allowing Caitlin's 'lip balm art' in the other room.

I've heard great solutions too, like setting routines, getting up before the kids to have "me" time, planning activities, meal planning so it doesn't always feel last minute, etc.  Such great ideas.  If I'm honest though, usually I'm thinking about these on the days I've already accomplished 50 things and am on the productivity high.  It just doesn't translate well to the days I'm not in the mood to begin with.

A part of me wishes I was on top of everything and had a specific time to fit in all the needs and some of the wants of life.  Unfortunately, as a recovering perfectionist these kinds of ideas seem all too accomplishable and usually leave me extra frustrated when it just ain't coming together for long.

So I hereby let myself off the hook to "have it all together."  I will be up front with you that I will likely be late to our appointment.  I will give myself grace to call people back within a few days and not necessarily right away.  I will enjoy the days I do have a plan in place and I will back off my expectations on the other six days in the week when I don't (haha).  The laundry will not be ruined sitting unfolded in baskets, my room will not cease to be a place of rest when my dresser is cluttered and I can dig our scarves and mittens out of storage the day we need them.  My floors will likely never look clean and I will probably always have some kind of pile in my closet. (It actually kind of bothers me to type these things...ahhh! let gooo, Allison!)

I declare faith that the most important things will get done --even though they might change from day to day and mood to mood-- and throw my hands up to acknowledge and praise the One whose power that sustains me in the everyday.

Home: A Place to Be

Adventure Just Around the Corner

We had a great time at the park yesterday, with temperatures in the mid-60s.  Felt more like May than November!  The kids did all kinds of playing and climbing, running and swinging, and by the time we made it home they could barely take two bites of their lunch before naptime won.  I had to wake them both up from a dead slumber (Caitlin even dozed off two more times before finally waking up for good) two hours later...the true test of a quality playtime.

Do You Want to Be Healed?

What a season of learning, of questioning every belief I have, of asking myself who God has made me to be.  The one thing I keep coming back to, the thing that seems to underlie everything else is, "freedom."

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

In Christ, each of us is free.

I have been under oppression my whole life.  The dysfunctional spiritual system I grew up in, my emotionally-handicapped family, marriage to an abuser, and probably most effective: my own false self-talk.  I don't blame anyone, I just say it to acknowledge that I have never been free.

I would suspect most people haven't.  The result of our fallen world.  And accepting salvation from Christ doesn't flip on the freedom switch in our lives either.  The power is there, but we get in the way.

Right now, I am scratching, clawing at anything that is helping clear my mind and heart of the shackles that have held me for so long.  Shackles that hurt, yet feel so familiar.  That feel safer than the unknowns that embracing freedom means.

It makes me think of this story in John where Jesus comes upon a lame man who has been crippled for 38 years.  His question is exactly the one I had to ask myself before I could take the next step into the freedom Christ offers.

When Jesus saw him and knew he had been lying there a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be healed?" (John 5:6 RSV)

(commentary below from this source)

What a strange question to ask of a man who had been sick for 38 years! "Do you want to be healed? But Jesus never asked a foolish question in his life. Obviously it was important for this man to answer (at least to himself) the question, "Do I want to be healed?"

I know many people today who do not want to be healed. They do not want to receive divine help in their problems. They do not want to be helped out of their weakness. They love their weakness, their helplessness. They are always craving the attention of others through their helplessness. They sometimes flee assuming responsibility for their own lives. I have even seen people turn their backs on a way of deliverance they knew would work because they did not want to be healed.

I am sure if this man had answered Jesus along these lines our Lord would have gone his way and not done a thing for him. You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. One of the things that is true this morning, as our Lord moves among us, is that he will only ask this question of those who want to be healed. He will say nothing to those who do not.

And herein lies one of the answers to how to find freedom...I have to want to be healed.  And we all know there's no such thing as a "healing switch" that is simply flipped on.  Healing is a process and means I must accept the responsibility to be intentional to create new responses to the new, free life around me and fight settling back in with the old, familiar shackles.  I am not a beggar anymore.  No more, "Woe is me."

I am free in Christ and I don't have to beg any longer.  Do you want to be healed?

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

I do. 

Give Yourself a Voice

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
'This is me, damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me… or leave me. Accept me – or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.'

When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad – you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

~ Stacey Charter

Looking Away So It Becomes Clear

I have a knack at spotting satellites in the night sky.  Or so I'd like to think (although my friend Lynnette did tell me that once).

In the 15 minutes I star gazed tonight I picked out three.  It helped that I was in the country where there's not as much peripheral light.  Although the Minnesota humidity does play a role in visibility--growing up in dry Edmonton I reminisce about the pitch black new moon nights peppered with the fantastically bright stars.

A couple of times tonight I thought I spotted a satellite when in fact it was just a star.  The funny thing is, if I would just stare at the star directly, it did look like it was moving.  It wasn't until I changed my focus to include neighboring stars that I could tell that it was actually stationary.

Context!

It got me thinking how life can be this way.  How things look one way until you see them in context, until you change your focus.  Until you glance away for a quick second and peek back with a fresh perspective.

And how by intensely staring at something it (ironically) doesn't necessarily make it more clear.

Fascinating.

100 Things

100 Things (as inspired here and here)

1. I am becoming reacquainted with myself after a few years of distance. 
2. That’s why I thought now would be a good time to write a list like this! 
3. I reserve the right to change my mind about my thoughts and beliefs. 
4. So just know this list might not be accurate for long...
5. I love being creative and think creativity thrives within boundaries. 
6. I move around the living room furniture often and love that the whole vibe of the room can change based on furniture placement. 
7. I was the school-wide women’s table tennis champ my senior year of college. 
8. I haven’t really played since then and am super rusty when I do! 
9. At age six my parents put me in piano lessons and I hated it, especially being nagged to practice. 
10. I stopped taking lessons during high school. 
11. I started loving to play. 
12. I went to a private Christian college and scored a sizeable music scholarship, making financially possible what would have otherwise been impossible--me completing my degree there. 
13. My degree is in Liberal Studies, which is a fancy way to say "in nothing specific." The majority of my hours were in music, but because I wasn’t doing a “music degree” didn’t have to follow the class plan other music students did. 
14. So I avoided boring classes like 'Music History' and replaced them with classes like, 'The Art and History of Rock n Roll.' Aah summer school. 
15. I stayed in Oklahoma for both summers I was a student there, working as a recruiter for the college at summer camps. 
16. Between the heat, humidity, bugs, and camp life I am surprised that I physically survived those months. 
17. Southern culture is vastly different from northern. 
18. I tend to make decisions impulsively. 
19. Both the kids were “surprise” babies. (umm, this is unrelated to #18!)
20. I now know at least part of the reason why pregnancy is nine months—to wrap your head around the idea of a baby! 
21. I think trusting God’s timing is one of the hardest things. 
22. I am a northern girl at heart; I love the outdoors and all four seasons. 
23. I learned more about the English language in studying German than I ever had in English classes. 
24. Four years of German classes barely made a dent in my language ability once moving to Germany. 
25. I wish I could speak German more now so I don’t lose it, especially after all the frustration and embarrassment it took to learn it ‘in play.’ 
26. I absolutely love the old downtowns of European cities and towns, particularly the pedestrian-only areas. 
27. The sheer time that has passed since the buildings and streets were constructed blows my mind! 
28. I also love the walking culture of Europe. 
29. And that because of that you will always see people on the streets. 
30. Which would remind me I wasn’t alone, I was part of this greater society of people. Which helped me keep things in perspective. 
31. Oooh deep. (did I mention yet that I like to think deep?) 
32. How things work and why they are the way they are…two of my favorite questions. 
33. I am a sucker for slapstick and dry humor. 
34. As in, Monty Python and America’s Funniest Home Videos. 
35. My all time favorite movie is Maverick, although the jury is still out if it’ll stay there since Mel Gibson’s recent debacle. (Just don’t know if I can separate his character from him; will decide after I watch it again.) 
36. My favorite kinds of photos of people are posed (positionally) yet candid (expressionally).  Particularly mid-laugh.
37. I try to capture these of my kids regularly. 
38. A part of me is dying to have a DSLR so that I don’t “miss” all the great moments of the kids while they are still so young. 
39. But in the meantime I’ll just mess with the settings on the Sony point and shoot. (and relish in Picnik.) 
40. I am a very visual person and if I close my eyes and pause, I can usually see a picture of what I’m trying to remember or visualize in my head. 
41. So even though I might not remember a detail of something, I could describe where on the page I read it… 
42. I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. 
43. I am interested in tons of things, but nothing is jumping out at me yet. 
44. Just call me a “Jane-of-all-trades.” 
45. But then, a “master of none.” I’m ok with that….right? 
46. Man it’s hard not trying to fit into what culture tells us is “right!” 
47. I love learning and when I’m interested in something will go all out to find out about it. 
48. I’d say I’m very open minded and always ready to consider something new. 
49. One of my greatest joys right now is being a part of the worship band at church. 
50. The combination of community and musical expression is so fulfilling! 
51. I don’t shower every day. 
52. I did when I was a sweaty camp counselor, don’t worry. 
53. A motto of mine might be, “as natural as possible.” 
54. For example, I use a homemade vinegar solution as my all-purpose cleaner around the house. 
55. We get our organic milk raw from a local farmer. Our meat from local organic farmers too. Oh, and eggs and veggies. 
56. I think being a good steward of our planet and resources is a Christian idea. 
57. But as with all things I strive to have a balanced view and lifestyle, even on the organic and natural topic. 
58. Or “being green.” Still forgetting to bring my bags when I go shopping (funny, since there was no other option in Germany). One step at a time. 
59. I am a work in progress and I AM ok with that! 
60. One of the only things I hold as an absolute truth is that God loves me and wants to be in relationship with me. 
61. Everything else could be subjective. Even that sentence is subjective, for Pete’s sake! 
62. Who is Pete, anyway? 
63. I’m sad dancing is not more integrated into our culture. I love to bust a move! 
64. And if I had seen examples of dancing being culturally accepted from a young age I’m sure my moves would be better. 
65. At least the kids like them-! 
66. A “to-do list” can be the death of me. 
67. As soon as something gets written down it becomes avoided at all costs! What is that about. 
68. I like living simply and without much fuss. 
69. I love camping! 
70. And hiking. 
71. Especially in the Canadian Rockies. 
72. Being Canadian does have it’s benefits. 
73. Like immediate approval when traveling abroad. 
74. And a cool flag to sew on your backpack! (I do like the Canadian flag.) 
75. One day I will live someplace with a tall, wooden swing under a tree. And a hammock. 
76. The clear night sky takes my breath away. 
77. I wish we lived in the country so I could see the stars better. One day. 
78. I used to have to have things figured out. Now I’m ok with the questions. 
79. I’m also getting better at being ok with being misunderstood. At one point I was pretty much addicted to needing understanding from everyone. 
80. It is so freeing to not have to look to anyone but yourself and God. And the best part is knowing that God has made me who I am, so the more I figure out who that is, the more I glorify the one who made me this way. 
81. I am all about celebrating individuality! 
82. It has been challenging integrating this idea into parenting though. 
83. A part of me is so relieved knowing that I can’t irreparably damage the kids. Everyone has/will have their own struggles to face, my role is just showing them how to face them. 
84. When I sing, “Revelation Song” I am visualizing what heaven is like. 
85. I think one of the greatest harms we can do to someone is to tell them how to live. 
86. I think one of the greatest blessings we can give to someone is to empower them to be who they are and make their own decisions. 
87. Being honest with yourself is risky. 
88. I am getting better at taking risks. 
89. I have a spirit of adventure, but compared to when I went skydiving, whitewater rafting, rappelling, and riding roller coasters I find it harder be adventurous in relationships, probably because other people are involved. 
90. My favorite meal right now is chicken risotto…mmmmmm 
91. I do like to cook. Another outlet for my creativity. 
92. I also like to eat! Especially food made with good quality ingredients (#55). 
93. I admire people who are comfortable in their own skin. 
94. Watching the kids learn and grow is one of the richest (and funniest) parts of my life. 
95. I used to pride myself on being laid back and an “easy to please” person, but now I’m realizing it was just that I lacked the self awareness to know what my opinion was at any given moment. 
96. It’s so much easier not to have to think about what you think about something and just say, “whatever!” 
97. I am getting better at this too. 
98. I love not feeling guilty about “resting in the Lord.” 
99. I feel good about completing this list! 
100. Now I’m off to shower.

Loving Yourself

"And then the sentiment occurred.  I am certain it was the voice of God because it was accompanied by such a strong epiphany like a movement in a symphony or something.  The sentiment was simple: Love your neighbor as yourself.


"And I thought about that for a second and wondered why God would put that phrase so strongly in my mind...He was saying I would never talk to my neighbor the way I talked to myself, and that somehow I had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but it was okay to do it to myself.  It was as if God had put me in a plane and flown me over to myself so I could see how I was connected, all the neighborhoods that were falling apart because I would not let myself receive love from myself, from others, or from God.  And I wouldn't receive love because it felt so wrong.  It didn't feel humble, and I knew I was supposed to be humble.  But that was all crap, and it didn't make any sense.  If it is wrong for me to receive love, then it is also wrong for me to give it because by giving it I am causing somebody else to receive it, which I had presupposed was the wrong thing to do.  So I stopped.  And I mean that.  I stopped hating myself.  It no longer felt right...


"And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it.  I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned.  When you get it, it changes you...God's love will never change us if we don't accept it."

Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

A Few of the Thousand Words

I love how some pictures really do tell a story.

This picture is from a couple weeks ago when two other friends came to visit for the day.  Watching four kids 3yrs and under proved to be a good motivator to get me in bed early that night from pure exhaustion!

I was trying to get them all on the step to snap a group shot and the fact that I actually thought that would be any kind of doable is pretty funny now.  This is as close as I got.

I just adore this photo.  Connor is swiping a tomato (he kept calling them "apples") with one hand, but with the other still safely on his friend so he doesn't get too far away.  Aaron is re-chalking Caitlin's nose--her nose was already blue but he thought she needed more--right after this photo he put some on his nose too.  Caitlin is loving it, getting "dolled up" while in her blue tutu, her favorite piece of clothing right now.  And Marianna (the youngest of the bunch) is on her way out of the shot, she was done posing after a few short seconds!  She is determined, that girl!

This was the shot immediately before the one above, and I guess it does look a bit more organized, although not by much!

Do some of your pictures tell you a thousand words?

Sheer Panic

Back patio. 6pm. Hose draped over edge of kiddie pool, with sprayer set to "super, most powerfulfest* stream" to ensure fastest possible transfer of H2O so kids can play as soon as they're done supper.

Five minutes later

Pool is still filling, kids are done eating.  Kids come outside under strict instruction "not to touch the hose!"  They don't touch it.  They are doing very well at waiting...

I turned my back for a minute and suddenly the water spray sounded different.

Connor, waiting at the edge of the pool, suddenly had that "super, most powerfulfest stream" in his face from only two feet away. The hose had slipped of the edge of the pool, changing the water direction.  I mean, of ALL the directions it could have pointed-!

The look on his face was just as you'd imagine--total shock, sheer panic.  I'm sure that's what it looks like when someone is seeing his whole18 months of life flash before his eyes.

I rescued him in like 3.4 seconds flat.  Happy to say that as of this evening he is alive, well and dry.

As I'm sitting here visualizing his expression and the unbelievable coincidence that the water happened to hit him directly in the face, I can't help but chuckle to myself about it... which I'm sure that qualifies me for the worst mom of the year award...I mean, laughing at your kids' near death experiences?

Oh man.  But it was the best face.

(picture is from when he went under the water while playing last month on our trip to Oklahoma. another great face.)
*this word was inspired by this hilarious commercial

Is What the Bible Really Means Always So Obvious?

A fascinating comment on a blog post I was reading today, regarding how we read the Bible (emphasis mine):

I have lately seen the difficulty of reaching agreement on the "meaning of texts" with others who perhaps are not as familiar with the methods of historical-critical exegesis of the Bible. The norm for interpreting the Bible seems to be either 1)just opening it up and applying the words on the page to ourselves with no consideration of the context that God was addressing, or else 2)a flat harmonizing ("analogy of Scripture") that ignores the point that God was trying to make through the individual authors.

As Gordon Fee said, the culprit is historical exegesis, the demand that we understand what God was saying through the biblical authors to the people "there and then" before we then take it and transfer it to the "here and now." I think this is where we lose the people who accuse us of ignoring what the text "obviously means." It seems most Christians in America are taught that they are to just open the Bible and receive from it whatever they believe God is giving, without any mediation from the believing community, those who have been in the faith longer, or even those whom God has gifted with an understanding of the original languages and culture.

The response from the blogger:

...you are quite right about the endless belief that one can simply understand the Bible by reading some translation and thinking about it. This is seldom true when we are dealing with complex texts precisely because we bring too much of our modern assumptions to the reading of the text. 

Little Miss Opinionated

Me: (to the kids) How about omelets for supper?
Caitlin: I don't like omelets.
Me: Do you even know what an omelet is?
C: Yeah, but I don't like it.
Me: What do you think it is?
C: But I don't like it.
Me: It's eggs with cheese.
C: Oh yes, I do like that!

(about a minute later)

Caitlin: But Connor doesn't like omelets, Mama.
Me: Let's let him decide for himself, ok?

Not Needing to Know It All

Magic 8-Ball 

By Katharine Burley

I was one of those kids in school, waving her hand in the air to be called on because then everyone would know that I knew the answer. I wanted others to know that I was smart.

Then I became a mama.

These days, I find myself wishing no one expected me to know anything - that the name change from "Katie" to "Mama" didn't bring with it the assumption that I know how to be a parent.

Because a lot of the time I don't know why my baby’s crying. I don't know where that rash came from. I don't know what's making her wake up in the middle of the night. I don't know how to convince my 2-year-old that it's okay to share toys (or AIR) with other kids. I just don't know.

"He knows me, my heart,

my life, faith and thoughts." 

I make educated guesses. I employ a trial-and-error strategy. I go by instinct. I ask questions.

Most of the time I'm feeling around in the dark, praying I don't screw anything up too badly; that my kids can rebound from whatever mistake I’m making; that good intentions and love can overcome my parental infractions.

While I long to shed the expectation that Mama Knows All, I take heart that I have a Father who does. He knows me, my heart, my life, faith and thoughts. He knows my husband and daughters, my friends and family.

So I might not wave my hand around anymore, hoping to be called on for an answer. I know that nothing I can do will change His answers.

Dear God, help me to realize I don't need to know everything when I know the one who knows everything I need.

from my MOPS email, June 7, 2010

The Beauty of Waiting

Lately I've become keenly aware of how desperately Connor needs to learn the skill of waiting.  Unlike his older sister when she was his age, he will not sit quietly until the banana makes its ten second long trip to his highchair tray.  He finds it his responsibility to let out all manner of shrieking to alert everyone in a half mile radius that he is hungry and he has yet to have access to a remedy for it as of this instant.

He's even been taught how to sign "wait," and will gladly sign it while screaming.  But as far as he's concerned any food he sees (even in picture or video form) needs to translate to something yummy in his mouth instantaneously.  Isn't that wonderful!

It is during these times of pleading with Connor that my mind clearly grasps how much simpler the whole situation could be if he would just wait.  Just pause, for a moment, and trust that food is being prepared and will be consumed by him shortly.  Believe, that although he doesn't understand why the extra time is necessary or what it could possibly be needed for, his best interests are at heart and he doesn't need to be on top of it.  That the screaming isn't causing food to come any faster, but just making everyone, including him, miserable in the meantime...

And then it hits me.

This is me we're talking about.  How many times do I "scream" to God about something he's promised to fulfill?  When I don't see the end or how exactly it will work out and I effectively throw a tantrum in my highchair just to be sure that he doesn't forget about me?

It actually is a little ridiculous how parallel these two are.

• Connor is shortsighted - I am shortsighted
• Connor wants it now - I want it now
• Connor doesn't understand - I don't understand
• Connor doesn't quietly trust - I don't quietly trust
• Connor gets himself so worked up that he doesn't want the food when it's finally there - I get myself so worked up that I don't recognize the answered prayers when they're finally there
• Connor would settle for the gross food on the floor if I let him - I would settle for what seems to me as "good enough" answers even though if I would just hold out for God's timing it would be so much better
• Connor will eat his own boogers - 

Well, that last one is where the similarities end. (spiritual boogers? maybe they do exist) :)

Sigh.  How encouraging that I'm on par with my 16 month old's learning curve.

 "Know that the LORD is God.
       It is he who made us, and we are his;
       we are his people, the sheep of his pasture."  
- Ps 100:3


God has not forgot about me.

How Grace Changes My View of Me

"Over the years, the growing consciousness of radical grace has wrought profound changes in my self-awareness.  Justification by grace through faith means that I know myself accepted by God as I am.  When my head is enlightened and my heart is pierced by this truth, I can accept myself as I am.  Genuine self-acceptance is not derived from the power of positive thinking, mind-games, or pop psychology.  It is an act of faith in the God of grace.

"Several times in my ministry people have expressed the fear that self-acceptance will abort the ongoing conversion process and lead to a life of spiritual laziness and moral laxity.  Nothing could be more untrue.  The acceptance of self does not mean to be resigned to the status quo.  On the contrary, the more fully we accept ourselves, the more successfully we begin to grow.  Love is a far better stimulus than threat or pressure.

"One saint used to say that she was the type of woman who advances more rapidly when she is drawn by love than when driven by fear.  She was perceptive enough to know that we are all that type of person.  It is possible to attain great holiness of life while still being prone to pettiness and insincerity, sensuality and envy, but the first move will always be to recognize that I am that way.  In terms of spiritual growth the faith-conviction that God accepts me as I am is a tremendous help to become better.

"When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others because our self-intimacy reinforces our inner sense of security.  We are no longer preoccupied with being powerful or popular.  We no longer fear criticism because we accept the reality of our human limitations.  Once integrated, we are less often plagued with the desire to please others because simply being true to ourselves brings lasting peace.  We are grateful for life and we deeply appreciate and love ourselves."

from The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning

Recent Projects

Needless to say my latest projects have not included blogging, but I'm trying to be ok with that!  I know those who blog will understand how that can be.  But today I did want to share a taste of a project I did last month for my mom, I think it turned out really cute.  I really like the look of watercolor ink and chalk, so "artsy!"  The stamps are from a company called, "Ippity."

A little update on life with the Maasses:

Warmer weather allowing us to make our rounds of the local parks and playgrounds

Re-inventing and re-decorating our home by rearranging furniture and re-purposing stuff we already had (I almost need to re-peat that sentence...ha.)

PB and something (honey/banana/jam) sandwiches every day for lunch

Digging around the book of Esther in the Bible (a study by Beth Moore) with a lovely group of ladies

Caitlin's first sticker chart

The end of our MOPS year and pulling together a skit, a bucket of fun treats and a craft for the moms

Thinking about starting graduate work with Liberty

Reading all kids of books, on all kinds of subjects

Talking to all kinds of people, about all kinds of things

Getting back to the basics with buying raw milk direct from a local farmer and plans to get our meat and veggies from similar sources

Learning what life on a budget looks like (not near as tragic as I had pictured!)

Potty training the three year old

"Non-screaming" training the one year old

Teaching my first scrapbooking basics class

Rockin' out on keyboards and lovin' it!

What it Feels Like

This song spoke to my heart today, and I hope it reaches yours too.

What it feels like to be led 

FFH

So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness 
and this is what if feels like to come undone 
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
 unsure of anything or anyone 

So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand 

and this is what if feels like to hear my name 

and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone 

but feel love and peace just the same 

And this may not be the road I would choose for me 

but it still feels right somehow 

And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now 

So this is what if feels like to be led 

So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart 

to be totally unglued 

and find out if I accept my brokenness 

I get more of me, I get all of you 

If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground 

Careful of every step I take 

Realizing as I stop to look around 

I look around and see everything a different way 

And this may not be the road I would choose for me 

but it still feels right somehow 

Cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now 

So this is what if feels like to be led 

and this is what if feels like to be led 

So this is what if feels like to just walk away 

from everything I thought kept me safe 

to depend just on you for every meal 

and find it's better this way 

oh it's better this way 

And this may not be the road I would choose for me 

but it still feels right somehow 

And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now 

like i do right now 

And this may not be the road I would choose for me 

but it still feels right somehow 

And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now 

And this is what if feels like to be led 

And this is what if feels like to be led 

Limited Perspective

It's easy for me to forget that I don't have a complete perspective on my life and who I am becoming.  Things are falling into place, parenting techniques are producing desired results, time management reduces stress, I am not overbooked and running on empty...

It has been important to me lately to intentionally recognize my limitations and stressors and take responsibility for getting the important things done and not wasting too much time on things that just aren't as valuable.

When all that's going well and relationships are smooth sailing, my faith in God tends to smugly settle in to simmer on the back burner.  The bold proclamations of trust in his provisions, the whole hearted songs of abandonment to his care become muffled.  Gratefulness turns into a rote prayer before mealtimes and satan's attacks seem so far off...

Now I will praise him with all that I am, my soul will shout of his faithfulness and love, all day I will sing of him as the headwaters of my strength.  He holds eternity, my future, and my heart and I will wait on Him.

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord.

Our God, you reign forever, Our hope, our strong deliverer...

You are the Everlasting God,

The everlasting God

You do not faint you won't grow weary.

You're the defender of the weak,

You comfort those in need,

You lift us up on wings like eagles."

Creativity Has Kicked In

It has been a nice month of visiting family--and then having my mom visiting us--so unexpectedly my creativity is back!  I have always been a creative person more or less, but I guess the rigors of day to day motherhood kind of masked undertaking any projects in the past year or so.  But I'm proud to say I'm back in the saddle and loving it!  I've done a bunch of cards and scrapbook pages.

In other news, Grady has started his new job and it's going great!  He ended with Hardcore Computer just before Christmas and he has enjoyed not having to deal with a certain impossible boss.  He has also had to make it into work earlier, meaning he is home earlier and we all get more family time!  Overall it has been a wonderful transition into this new year--and for the first time in a long time it feels like a new year-!